Sunday, February 27, 2005

i just got a new phone! my father was nice and got me a 6230...my sister got a mini ipod!! i think both items were on offer or something...300+ each for both items. i think they struck the lottery or something secretly...

this weeks been fun! actually the academic parts were a little disappointing in the sense that they were still as boring, but i always look forward to breaks and chem lectures where i can sit behind with kenneth. but there was this particular day after chem lecture there was math lecture, and kenneth's class left and i went to sit with the neighbouring class, so3Q i think. then their really strict teacher wrote down my name :O!!!

and i got into dance SYF...well not so much 'got into', there were no auditions cuz they're too few guys. but i decided that SYF should take priority over soccer. its not too bad, at least we have bamboo poles to play around with. we'll be performing the SYF dance, which is a modern dance, on dance night....so you all can see it. simple minded people like cedric probably wont know whats going on. ;D

oh yes...im like really in a fix. there's this soccer camp coming up from the 13-16th of march and i dont wanna go!! and i've yet to explain to both soccer coaches that i'll quit if i get into council...its so difficult to tell them such things. fortunately there are only 40 places available for both j1 and j2, so if you delay you wont have the opportunity to go, even if you wanted to. heh heh.

oh and i think i've solved the problem of this nagging desire to get attached..and im learning to enjoy normal friendships! also..i've been talking to this certain NUN which doesn't see ANY benefits of getting attached. i was feeling puzzled cus im sure everyone finds the idea of getting attached tempting at some point, so i asked her why people got married! the reply was, 'well, when you're married you don't have to stay alone. And i suppose at least one person remembers your birthday. Eh thats about it' hahaha i really laughed like mad...such people will get slaughtered by the government...

and currently i like jason wongs nick of 'i shall worry 10 minutes before 2pm on monday'. that shall be my mentality too hehh heh. anyway...here's a dream i'd like to share.

As christians, we know certain things such as "jesus loves me" and "christ did for us sinners". we've heard these statements countless times, but the dust of familiarity can dim the glory of these simple truths. We have to brush them off and remind ourselves of their live transforming power.

******

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, i found myself in the room. there were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files.

they were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order, but these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As i drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was the one that read "Girls i have liked". i opened it and began flipping through the cards. i quickly shut it, shocked to realize that i recognized the names written on each one.

and then without being told, i knew exactly where i was. this lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalogue system for my life. here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.

a sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as i began randomly opening files and exploring their contents. some brought joy and sweet memories, others a sense of shame and regret so intense that i would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching.

the titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird: "books i have read," "lies i have told," comfort i have given,""jokes i have laughed at." some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "things i've yelled at my brothers". Others i couldn't laugh at: "things i have done in anger,""things i have muttered under my breath at my parents." i never ceased to be surprised by the contents. often there were many more cards than i expected. sometimes there were fewer than i hoped.

i was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life i had lived. could it be possible that i had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards? but each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.

when i pulled out the file marked "Songs i have listened to," i realised the files grew to contain their contents. the cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three metres, i hadn't found the end of the file. i shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time i knew that file represented.

when i came to a file marked 'lustful thoughts', i felt a chill run through my body. i pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. i shuddered at its detailed contents. i felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.

suddenly i felt an almost animal rage. one thought dominated my mind:'No one must ever see these cards! no one must ever see this room! i have to destroy them!" in an insane frenzy i yanked the file out. its size didn't matter now. i had to empty it and burn the cards. but as i took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, i could not dislodge a single card. i became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when i tried to tear it.

defeated and utterly helpless, i returned the file to its slot. leaning my forehead against the wall, i left out a long, self-pitying sigh. and then i saw it. the title bore "people i have shared the gospel with". the handle was brigheter than those aroudn it, newer, almost unused. i pulled on its handle and a small box not more than 3 inches long fll into my hands. i could count the cards it contained on one hand.

and then the tears came. i began to weep. sobs so deep that the hrut started in my stomach and shook through me. i fell on my knees and cried. i cried out of hsame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. the rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. no one must ever, ever know of this room. i must lock it up and hide the key.

but then as i pushed away the tears. i saw Him. No, please, not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.

i watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. i coudln't bear to watch His response. ANd in the moments i could bring myself to look at His face, i saw a sorrow deper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?

Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. HE looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. i dropped my head, covered my face with my hands,and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But he didn't say a word. He just cried with me.

Then he got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room. He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His anme over mine on each card.

"No!" i shouted, rushing to Him. All ic ould find to say was "no, no", as a pillued the card from Him. HIs name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. THe name of Jesus covered mine. it was written with His blood.

He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards.. i dont think i'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed i heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "it is finished".

I stood up, and He led me out of the room. THere was no lock on the door. THere were still cards to be written.

****

actually, this isn't my dream ;P ahhaha. Its a more than heart-warming story. it's not imaginary, the dream is a picture of what CHrist truly accomplished when He died on the cross. He literally took our guilt on Himself. And this meant much more than having His name on a card. It meant receiving the punishment from God that all those sinful words, thoughts and actions deserved.

Here is whats important to understand: it is only by repenting of our sins and putting our faith in Christ that this substitution can take place. We each have a 'room' containing all our sinful deeds and thoughts. but just because we admit thsi or feel bad about it doesn't mean we're forgiven. Remorse can't save anyone. Only faith in Christ can. Only trust in His death and resurrection for us.

yeah..cool huh. anyway....this is a special note for my dear nun. Early in his marriage, REverend E.V.Hill and his wife, Jane, faced financial difficulty. He had foolishly invested in a service station, and the business had failed. Money was very tight. Dr Dobson, who heard REverend Hill share their story at Jane's funeral, recounts it this way.

Shortly after the fiasco with the service station, E.V. came home one night and found the house dark. When he opened the door, he saw that Jane had prepared a candle-light dinner for two.

"what meaneth thou this" he said with characteristic humour.

"well," said Jane, "we're going to eat by candlelight tonight".

E.V. thought that this was a great idea and went into the bathroom to wash his hands. He tried unsuccessfully to turn on the light. THe he felt his way into the bedroom and flipped another switch. Darkness prevailed. the young pastor went back to the dining room and asked Jane why the electricity was off. She began to cry.

"you work so hard, and we're trying," said Jane, "but its pretty rough. i didn't have quite enough money to pay the light bill. I didn't want you to know about it, so i thought we would jsut eat by candlelight".

Dr Hill described his wife's words with intense emotion: She could have said "i've never been in this situation before.. I was reared in the home of Dr Caruthers, and we never had our lights cut off. " she could have broken my spirit; she could have ruined me; she could have demoralized me. but instead she said, "somehow or antoher we'll get these lights on. But lets eat tonight by candlelight".

so, ms nun!! Mrs Hill's optimism and readines to walk through tough times with her husband exemplify the 2 qualities i desire in my own life and pray for most in a wife. So, i think for all of us, our future spouses should be someone who will light candles, and not just curse the darkness.

:)

matthew admired God's creations at 4:20 PM [comment]

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